Colic and the phase of purple crying

You always hope that your baby will be different from the norm, not like those horror stories you hear of babies who scream for hours, but I am hear to tell you… that’s unlikely. That’s like that person in every zombie movie that gets bit and thinks ‘maybe I’m magic and won’t be affected’. They’re wrong, they’re always wrong. 

I have embraced my sons colic phasr as a way to escape people. Oh you want to visit? Sorry my son is colicky right now. Company over at the   house stringing my last nerve, sorry need to go downstairs and sooth the fussy one, or change his bum before he screams. 

I won’t say it’s blissful, and my two-day migraine from the screams directly in my ear reinforce that, but I’vr accepted it. And that’s really what it’s about. I’ve been puked, peed, and pooped on but yelling and screaming about it isn’t going to clean up my son or myself. I’ve instead turned to the ‘oopsie’ philosophy. He didn’t mean it, can’t change that it happened. So first I ensure his safety, bring him to a clean area to get him wiped down and possibky re-diapered (a couple times that’s been a towel laid down in his bassinet, and then I address what is on myself and surrounding areas. Only once has that meant here hold my baby in this towel, he is clean but naked, I need a shower. 

Today this phase has meant staying in the car with him during or shopping trip and directing my SO through phone calls, pictures, and the occational “I grabbed this one but I can exchange if it’s wrong”, to get everything we need for bottle feeding and Father’s Day. 

 Nothing like breast feeding, burping, rocking to sleep, and overal soothing a baby in the backseat outside a Walmart. 


i’m only human

Two-handed parenting

I am coining the phrase, ‘two-handed parenting’, I am bringing it back. My phone already has no games on it, yes there’s social media stuff but I’m working on reducing the scroll, but other than that I only use it to track my babies eating, changing, and sleeping, and taking photos of him. But even my messages take second seat to my baby. The minute he fusses it goes down where ever I am, and the TV is only ever on because we have no stereo (and trying to keep a baby sleeping without background sound, forget  it). My phone time gets less and less everyday and I generally only get to check it when he’s sleeping. 

Mind you not everyone is on board, hint-hint you. Waiting for someone to hit a save point to get any help, a boss battle to end, or a show to end, whatever get’s a little frustrating. Kids look to you for everything, most importantly recognition. So every time they look to you and you’re too busy on your phone for them, they loose that. My goal is to go through a day with my battery over 50% (signifying I only used it for important messages and my baby tracker app). I am going to see my son through every moment, not in the corner of my eye. 

Trying my best,

Only human

This little people was my bump

For the first PP time today I thought I felt my belly move. It was actually my son sliding inward on the pillow, but that was my mind blow moment. This tiny human WAS that alien feeling inside me. My eyes got teary at this. My little man was in my belly, with me everyday, through everything I went through. I understand why this connection and change leads to PP depression, because now its not just people wanting to put their hands on me to feel him move, but people holding him, me leaving him to be watched somewhere, other people sharing my joy… but that’s so silly. Why am lessening my happiness over these worries? I want to enjoy every second I can, capture every moment. 

It then occurred to me how large he was lying on my chest. This is definitely where my size went, but does not account for the weight. Regardless, I made this tiny person. I took a small seed and grew a human. A human who had 8 recorded poops yesterday, and has filled a diaper genie in just 4 days of life. I could never love anything as much as this. Im worried everyday that I will fail him, but I will never fail him for lack of trying to do him good. Im sure the mothers in my life are loosing it to my 50 questions daily, but thats’s okay. Id rather hear “its normal” for the hundredth time then anything else. 
To all the mothers out there, 

Happy Mother’s Day
Imonly Human

Knock Knock. Who’s there? Really, you don’t know, why I never.

You see, the not so funny thing about mood swings or mental disorders is that the person with the aforementioned condition, is generally not aware when they are displaying it. Generally. So telling someone while they are having a mood swing, say, for example, a spell of depression “not to be so sad all the time”… will not actually make them feel better. Some other phrases you may want to avoid include “I can’t be around you when you’re always so depressing”, “why can’t you just cheer up”, “mood disorders aren’t real”, and “look at me, I’m not always sad and I have it worse than you”. Just, you know.. as some examples.

One. When someone says they’re sad, angry, hurt, offended, etc. it is not you job to tell them that they are not.

Two. It is not possible for you to directly compare your life, your stresses, your problems, your way of thinking, your sexuality, your beliefs, etc. to theirs.

and Three. You cannot change someone’s mind that sees no problem with what they have done.

I have recently been told that I am going to make my son depressed because I have depression and refuse medication. But let me explain my reasoning; I do not have any feelings of self-harm, I do not turn to any substances to make me happy, I rarely take Tylenol for pain let alone any other medications, I eat when I’m hungry or for nutrition and do not go several days of over- or under- eating in a row (the odd binge day or too busy to eat but I am healthy), I don’t spend days in solitude, I maintain regular relationships, and I feel comfortable enough in myself to wear what I please, say what I like, and tell someone to mind their own on the behalf of myself or another.

On the other hand I do, have days when the idea of being around people repels me, when I cry because my plans changed, I cry for no reason and know that I have no reason, when I think so far into the future and get overwhelmed that there is both so much to do and that it is happening now… But I don’t think that these things obligate me to require regular medication to function, or else be thought of as a horrible mother. I only want the best for my baby, and if it came to a point where I was having weeks or emotional instability, and my health and well being compromised my ability to be a parent I would probably reconsider. But at this point in my life I feel comfortable enough to remain as I am. Some opinions are made from a point of understanding and empathy, some from sympathy and judgement. It’s not always easy to tell the two apart.

Good luck and best wishes,

I’m only human

39weeks +1day and still don’t feel ‘pregnant’

So maybe it’s that I’ve had a relatively easy pregnancy, maybe it’s because my whole life I’ve had minor health fluctuations (random pains, swelling, colds that last a day/weeks, headache, nausea, what have you) that I’ve just ignored, maybe I just don’t accurately remember anyone around me in the ‘pregnant’ stages… maybe it’s none of these things. But I am 5 days (It’s after 10pm, close enough) until my due date and I still don’t feel ‘pregnant’.

That’s not to say I’m not prepared, all the research; done, classes; complete, nurse; assigned, room; prepped..If he came tomorrow all I would have to do is wash the four sheets for his bed that I just purchased yesterday. I mean as I type this I am bouncing away on a yoga ball after doing dishes with pulse squats trying to get this thing going… but if my water seriously broke right now… I’m still not sure I would believe it.

Like I’m clearly larger, I’ve read a post everyday about this little bundle growing inside me… he kicks A LOT to tell me he is there… but I don’t believe it. When was I supposed to believe it. The first pee test? The second? The doctor’s pee test? Blood test? First ultrasound? It was the gender reveal ultrasound right? The baby shower? When the crib arrived? Maternity photo shoot?

Small personal (more personal) anecdote, I only started my leave at the 9 month mark, so this is my 3rd week off work. I am still waiting for my money to start coming in, and I sit as often as I can because my feet and hands swell so big… but I have made SEVERAL serious plans to find/start/return to work before I stop like, “Wait girl, you’re going to have a BABY some time in the next two weeks”. How crazy is that? My life is about to change completely, but I’m planning my resume and regular camping trips like I’m somehow able just get up and go.

Meanwhile, while I sleep my dreams are haunted by scenarios of  being unable to reach a nurse call button or cell phone and having to deliver my own baby, going to the hospital to find out it’s actually a vet, forgetting my baby at home while I go to visit my brand new nephew (and returning home to him totally resenting me forever), and having nipples so big and a baby so small that I can’t feed him. Figure that one out Freud. Or don’t… please… Do not need that diagnosis on my conscious.


That’s just me,

Only human.

Bonnets, Booties, Bouncers, and Diapers

Recently I had my baby shower. There were many people there, more than I thought I should have invited, but if I had to do it over again there’s not a single person I didn’t want there. Despite attending several before my own, I was still surprised. Not by the amount of visiting I would do, and the migrating from table to table, trying to make sure everyone knew how much I appreciated them coming, but honestly how many people showed up. How many people CAME, and on top of showing their love and support just by being there spoiled us rotten with things for our son. I’m telling you it took at least an hour to open all the gifts, and I was worried people wouldn’t be able to feel our appreciation because there were so many, but my BF did a wonderful job moderating, and I hope that his reactions to every gift, no mater how big or small, gave them that feeling.

It took the help of two friends and their cars to bring everything home, and after spending over an hour just organizing the basics (ie. books and diaper/changing related products) there is still so much to sort through and organize, or wash, or open. I honestly expected a bunch of cards with money or gift cards, maybe some diapers  to accompany it, but never the number of people who went out and picked things specifically for our son and us, or made things. The number of hand crafted goods. Speechless, absolutely. And I’m bad at reacting to gifts. Due to my struggles with anxiety, my face generally appears blank as my mind pictures everything that comes after opening this gift.

I’d be lying if I didn’t open every outfit wondering what the washing instructions were, or where my son would wear it, if he’d get a chance to or grow too fast, how much dog hair would stick it it, if the knees would survive an avid crawler… Every gift. But also how much time went into making something, if I had seen it before (95% of the time I had not), if it was what I had asked for or something completely different (95% of the time it was just what I had imagined), but ultimately it went back to who it was from. I was surprised. Actually, genuinely surprised. It’s not that I didn’t expect good things from my family and friends, because obviously I invited them so I love them dearly, but I didn’t expect so much. I honestly would have been happy if every single person just brought a box of diapers, maybe $20 in a card, like any help at all, even a booklet of ‘free babysitting’ coupons would have been appreciated. I was overwhelmed but the amount of stuff I backed up to bring home. Just so blessed, so surprised, so happy. And I don’t think I will ever be able to fully tell everyone how bloated my heart was. So full.


Feels good to know I have so many people there for me,

After all,

I’m only human

From a fish in jello to the karate kid

Previously, I had described a babies movements to the feeling, if you can imagine it, to having a flapping, fresh caught fish, encased in your stomach, surrounded by jello… That is no longer the case. As if over night the jello cushion was and the gentle flapping or fluttering feeling was replaced by very clearly, and obviously, appendages.  My baby seems to greatly favor kicking the right side, despite me predominately lying on my left as I’ve been told to. I can feel clear foot-like and hand-like pressure points as he stretched out his full back along my left side.

The other day, I was sitting at work when he decided now would be a good time to test his new ninja powers, and stick a foot up under my ribs. Needless to say, this was not comfortable so I pushed his foot down. I could feel him do like a nestle movement back down by my belly button and then like a ‘Nope’ moment, and fling his foot back up. Little buggar is already pushing mommy’s buttons.

Funnier though, was when he stuck his knee into my side, I pushed it back down and then felt his head in the opposite, lower side move around. Funnier still was showing my BF how a foot feels from the outside of a tummy. Funnier than that, was him listening to my belly. I was eating dinner, drinking ice water, BF was pushing on my stomach trying to get him to wiggle around so he could hear and then >POW< foot to the face. Priceless.

The animals love snuggling my lately, more than usual. And for the most part they greatly ignore the movements, except the odd dirty look at me like they think I’m doing it on purpose to rouse them. Everyone else is always asking to feel the baby, like I can just will him to move in just the right way at the moment the reach out to touch me. But no one wants to sit patiently near me until he’s moving and I can move their hand into position. They say it should be 6 movements in every 2 hours, but since my scare a little little while ago where he didn’t move for 8, he has been moving, kicking, punching, squirming, at least double that. Some people love the feelings. Most of the time I just think it feels weird, like eating the wrong food and having it fight back.

But that’s just me,

Only human